IT HAPPENED HERE. IT WAS HERE IT HAPPENED. I WAS WALKING AND SO WAS HE. AND THEN OUR PATHS CROSSED.
If I were to make a statistical analysis of life, which I’m not, I know exactly what it would look like, cause I’ve made one. It reads UNREQUITED LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT which then turns into Ouroboros followed by endless mystery of emotion and love. And sex and fear. And cats and bread. And dirt and books. And pots and pans. And plants and houses. And so forth.
I want to tell you a story. No seriously, I really do. I vaguely know how to begin it, I have no idea how to end it and I really do not have any idea what is supposed to happen by telling you. Cause nothing really happened. To have something happen in a story you don’t need words or meaning, you don’t even need characters, but you need a form, a premise, and I’m not sure of the premise yet. I have no form. So this story is about finding the premise more than anything else.
So the story is not only hidden from you, it’s hidden from me as well, and in trying to tell it I am forced to expose how unaware of it I am. But I know this. There was a crime scene, there was another person, and there was me. Why would this interest you? Because one of us, or the scene, has a certain something, a characteristic that intrigues you. Maybe by knowing more than you, maybe by resembling you, maybe by disgusting you. I’m not sure yet why you would care.
I guess it’s because you also had your heart broken and you also wondered ‘why’ and questioned what you did wrong, why love is never yours, stuff like this.
But then there’s more to life than only this and I have no idea how to incorporate all of that into the story. All I know is that this single scene, where it happened, was not independent from the rest of our lives in any way.
I know for example that I looked very good that day, I had a stride in my step and my hair was newly washed, but not too newly washed. I was wearing my new coat. I know that the sun was up and that the leaves were falling, beautiful colors, and I know that he looked particularly good too, in the sun, with the leaves. I know we met each other, only briefly, that we hugged and said hi. Actually I saw him in the corner of my eye before really looking his way, saying hi. I doubted and thought he wouldn’t want to talk. But he kept looking. We talked for maybe 30 seconds.
He was looking somewhat perfect and I wanted to tell him he was always very handsome but I didn’t.
It was like I’ve already overstayed that welcome, and fearless as I was always in relation to him, I did fear that it would do nothing but make me a little bit sadder even tho everything at this moment seemed perfect only because of everything that happened before this moment. I had no regrets, neither would I’ve developed any, and actually I didn’t want to say that. I didn’t want or need to say anything more than I did. But I think it and I felt like I had to burry it deep inside. The thought stroke me as a feeling, not a thought, how handsome he always was, how much I like his particular feeling for looks and style. I carried this feeling with me until I just now transformed it back to the thought it originally was.
No one said anything remarkable.
We spoke softly and there were smiles and natural pauses and eyes looking into each other. There was sun and colors and calmness. There was 30 second of relaxing in what shouldn’t be relaxed.
We haven’t had contact since.
I left naturally to my destination, I had a very specific one, a very tight schedule, and he left for his, also very specific, but miles apart. Or not. It could’ve been not. I was so ready to change gear, to give what I could, to make something out of this odd pairing. But we are never alone in our choices. Other people choose too. We both left the scene and messed up the leafs in our paths and between us, from the small circle where we met were the gravel had been somewhat kicked around leaped two escape routes that intended no escaping but functioned as exits plans anyway. We said bye, again. I said “see ya” and I smiled. I can’t remember exactly what he said. End of scene and nothing more to share.
And still. It happened here. The totality of life, coincidence and continuity happened here and something within changed forever.