I went for a 8km walk/run and I listened to Eileen Myles and I laughed and her Boston accent always makes me warm and I listened to the same five swedish hip hop tracks over and over and I thought about my writing and I thought holy shit I can’t do it and I went to walgreens where everybody was nice in a sad way and I didn’t buy a water purifier.
I tried working all day after that but first I had to eat and shower and drink coffee and make more coffee and then I realized that I couldn’t write and then I wondered if I’d eaten enough and I realized I hadn’t so I walked around my room putting things in order and then made real food, no cold noodle salad leftover, and I ate it and I watched something and I read something online and my head hurt. Not physically. I laid in bed and I meditated and I stared at my todo-list and I found the jeans online that I’ve been looking for and I made tea and I tried to nap and I tried to read and I texted and I couldn’t write. I took a pill as I do when my hormones are at war with my brain and I lay down again and I wrote in my note pad:
today I am sad. that’s ok. things will be fine. I have great friends and family. I don’t have to fight too hard. things are okay. I wish I felt less sad. but it’s okay. I can ignore the flow of social information. I can comfort myself knowing I can help. I want to help. I wish I felt less like this but it’s okay. it doesn’t matter. certain words.
and now I am here and at the end of this sentence I can’t help but feel that something will be lost cause I’ll be done writing this and my mind will wander on without any particular aim without making sure that I want to go there too, which is way on days like these I’m very happy for the artificial solution of these specific pills I take even though I know there are other ways, but for now this is okay.